Secrets

For as long as I can remember I have been dealing with mental and physical abuse from someone close to me. One of the earliest memories was of the person getting mad because I forgot my cheer pom poms at home during a football game. The person got extremely pissed off and we left before the game started even though I could easily cheer without the pom poms. On the ride home she yelled about how I make too many mistakes and that since I forgot something that means I don't care about the things I have. The person was throwing their rings at me and she jumped out of her seat and started hitting me while yelling about how stupid I was and I was a waste of time and that I had to quit cheer immediately. She continued doing things and saying comments but I don't want to go into too much detail. But incidents like this has been happening throughout my life, some worse than this while some better. She has told me that no one cares about me, everything would be better if I died, she wouldn't care if I left forever, that I make her want to kill herself, that I will never succeed in life, and many many other things. These things have affected me different ways throughout my life. In elementary school I didn't realize that most people aren't treated that way, I would tell my friend about everything and I would make plans to run away. I had all of these plans on how I would make it work and I always had a bag packed in my closet. Once I got to middle school, the words had more of an affect on me. One day she went off really bad and was yelling all of these cruel things to me and I decided I wouldn't let it affect me anymore. I got this hard outer shell, where nothing ever upset me. I completely didn't care what anyone thought of me and I never cried when I heard these things said to me. I truly hated the person and wasn't going to let them have any affect on my life. Once I got into high school, she had yet another huge blow up and I broke. The shell completely cracked and everything I had been holding in came out. the person said I was acting crazy, and I swear I have never cried so hard in my life. After I broke, her words have affected me tremendously again. I am now self conscious and frankly I hate myself. I have started to believe everything she says and it bothers everything I do.