Secrets

For as long as I can remember I have been dealing with mental and physical abuse from someone close to me. One of the earliest memories was of the person getting mad because I forgot my cheer pom poms at home during a football game. The person got extremely pissed off and we left before the game started even though I could easily cheer without the pom poms. On the ride home she yelled about how I make too many mistakes and that since I forgot something that means I don't care about the things I have. The person was throwing their rings at me and she jumped out of her seat and started hitting me while yelling about how stupid I was and I was a waste of time and that I had to quit cheer immediately. She continued doing things and saying comments but I don't want to go into too much detail. But incidents like this has been happening throughout my life, some worse than this while some better. She has told me that no one cares about me, everything would be better if I died, she wouldn't care if I left forever, that I make her want to kill herself, that I will never succeed in life, and many many other things. These things have affected me different ways throughout my life. In elementary school I didn't realize that most people aren't treated that way, I would tell my friend about everything and I would make plans to run away. I had all of these plans on how I would make it work and I always had a bag packed in my closet. Once I got to middle school, the words had more of an affect on me. One day she went off really bad and was yelling all of these cruel things to me and I decided I wouldn't let it affect me anymore. I got this hard outer shell, where nothing ever upset me. I completely didn't care what anyone thought of me and I never cried when I heard these things said to me. I truly hated the person and wasn't going to let them have any affect on my life. Once I got into high school, she had yet another huge blow up and I broke. The shell completely cracked and everything I had been holding in came out. the person said I was acting crazy, and I swear I have never cried so hard in my life. After I broke, her words have affected me tremendously again. I am now self conscious and frankly I hate myself. I have started to believe everything she says and it bothers everything I do.

Day one

It is funny and amazing how you meet the person you eventually fall in love with, randomly and without trying. I used to picture myself meeting my boyfriend at a party or something where I am all dressed nicely. The first time I met Evan was August 21st during a singles night at my best friends house. I had been having a crappy day so I went over to my best friends house just completely bummed out. I wore athletic shorts, tee shirt, no makeup, my glasses and my hair in a pony tail. I just went over to spend time with my best friend and I honestly couldn't have cared less who was coming. Eventually a couple of people showed up who I talked to some, they said that Evan would be there soon. Once Evan got there they all wanted to leave to go pick another friend. I did not want to ride all the way to get him because I was still feeling crappy so I said I was just going to stay at my friends house alone. Evan also didn't want to drive all the way there so he offered to stay with me. Evan and I just sat in the living room and talked about basic things. We got to know each other better and I instantly felt comfortable around him. He seemed sweet and smart and different than other guys I had liked in the past. I wanted to get to know him better and spend more time with him automatically. While we were in the middle of talking, some of our friends called him to make jokes about us spending time alone. Because of the jokes we decided to mess with them once they returned back to the house. So as soon as the door opened I jumped over and sat close to him as he put his arm around me. I wanted to stay there but I had just met him so I got up once our friends saw and returned back to my seat. Later we went to watch a movie and I hoped I could sit close to him again but he chose a chair so I sat in the one beside his. We continued to talk more and when I asked my friend if she could take me home he offered to take me home. He made his friend sit in the back and let me ride shot gun as he took me home. We again continued to talk and when he dropped me off I hoped I would be able to hang out and talk with him more.